


Red Her and the Trial of Kinship

by elwon



Series: Bizarro Knows Best [2]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth (Comics)
Genre: Artemis is beyond done, Bizarro is sunshine and joy, Dick's trying his best, Fluff, Gen, vague references to post-crisis canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 05:56:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10938390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwon/pseuds/elwon
Summary: Dick wants to hang out with the Outlaws. Artemis will only let him if he passes her trial. Bizarro and Jason watch them fight, eat popcorn, knit and pet Fenris in no particular order.





	Red Her and the Trial of Kinship

It doesn’t start when Bizarro wakes up in his room, hearing an unfamiliar voice not quite arguing with Artemis float in from the kitchen. It obviously started when the owner of that voice arrived, but Bizarro doesn’t know that yet. When Bizarro wanders into the kitchen, Jason’s sitting at the breakfast bar with Fenris at his feet and a huge bowl of popcorn in front of him, idly snacking on it (even though it’s far too early in the morning for popcorn), as he watches Artemis ‘negotiate’ with a pretty man in a black and blue uniform. Bizarro gingerly sits on one of the bar stools and joins Jason and Fenris in watching.

“No. I refuse. There are far too many men around here as it is.” Artemis snaps at the pretty one.

“But I don’t want to move in! I just want to visit Jason and see what it’s like here.” says the one that Bizarro is going to name Blue Him. Blue Him throws a pleading look at Jason, who just snorts and shoves a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

“It is a safe house; there is a dog and a bowl of fruit that the little one should be eating for breakfast.” Artemis flicks a judgey look at Jason, and Bizarro can’t hold back his giggle at the pout on Jason’s face that disappears with a defiant mouthful of popcorn.

“That’s not what I meant! Batman told me that Jason had a new team and I wanted to meet you.” Blue Him says, exasperatedly waving his arms about. 

“Then the Batman should know better than to send a proxy to check on the little one if he is so worried.” Artemis says, refolding her arms across her body, mostly to remind Blue Him of her powerful arms that could punch him at any moment.

“I’M NOT HERE TO SPY FOR BATMAN!” Blue Him yells before getting himself under control. “I just want to hang out with Jason and get to know his new friends...” Bizarro squints at him, wondering who he is, but happy that the guy is sensible enough to want to spend time with Jason. Bizarro thinks more people should want that, and doesn’t understand people who don’t want to. Well, except the bad guys that Jason punches or shoots. Bizarro guesses that they’re allowed to want to not be around Jason. A little bit.

“Fine. If you insist upon this, then you must prove yourself worthy.” Artemis says, grudgingly giving a little metaphorical ground.

“I... what? I am worthy, I don’t need to prove it to you. Jason, tell her I’m worthy of hanging out with you!” Blue Him demands. Jason eats more popcorn in answer and Blue Him gives Jason a look of betrayal. “Seriously? Come on, Jay, give me a break.” Jason grins in the way that usually gets him threats of maiming from Artemis. He’s distracted enough that Bizarro can swap out his handful of popcorn for an apple from the bowl Pup-pup usually guards.

“Then we are agreed. You will endure the trial of kinship to prove your worth and we shall allow you to associate with us, if you prevail.” Artemis announces with finality. Jason lifts his hand to eat the popcorn and bites into the apple instead. He blinks at the apple in his hand as he chews and then sends a suspicious look towards Bizarro who is giving his best ‘I had nothing to do with that’ face. 

“Biz, buddy. How could you play me like that? I trusted you!” Jason hisses at him. Apparently Bizarro’s innocent face needs some improving. Bizarro turns his puppy dog eyes on Jason in reply (they’ve got better since Fenris came to live with them) and drops the popcorn on the floor for Fenris to snarfle up.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this, but yes, _fine_.” Blue Him says, running his hand through his hair and wincing as his glove snags on a tangle.

“I fully intend on making you regret it, little bluebird.” Artemis says forcefully, eagerness radiating off her in little pink waves.

“It’s Nightwing. And bring it!” Blue Him says, cheerfully unaware of just what he’s getting himself into.

***

Artemis and Nightwing walk into the little outdoor courtyard that Artemis likes to train in, Jason and Bizarro following them. 

“The rules are simple, little bluebird. We stay inside the circle, we use no weapons other than our bodies, and we get up when we are knocked down until we cannot get up again. If you outlast me, you win. If you cannot get back up, I win. Agreed?” Artemis raises an eyebrow, clearly not really caring if Nightwing likes the rules.

“Yeah, sure. I’ve fought Amazons before.” Nightwing says, all casual and unconcerned. Artemis is going to have such fun beating him, Bizarro almost wants to clap in happiness for her. He doesn’t though, as the last time he did, Jason had to rebuild the outer wall of the safehouse that had been knocked down. Artemis has the evilest grin on her face that Bizarro has ever seen from her, and yeah, she’s definitely going to have fun today. 

“Well, you guys have fun; I need to take the dog for a walk. Artemis, don’t hurt him too badly, ok? Awesome. Bye guys!” Jason says, walking backwards out of the room as he salutes Artemis and she rolls her eyes.

“Wait, what? Jason, you’re not going to watch? _Why_?” Nightwing pouts at Jason. Bizarro takes note of how his face is arranged, it’s a good pout and Bizarro wants to try it next time he and Jason go grocery shopping and Jason says he can’t have the mega-family pack of Pizza Fish Gummies. It’s a goal in Bizarro’s life to eat an entire mega-family pack by himself. 

“Look, Grayson, I know you’re a diva and need to perform for an audience like most people need to breathe, but I got things to do today,” Jason scoffs, turning around in the doorway “Bizarro, buddy, you coming with?”

Bizarro is torn; on the one hand, watching Artemis pummel arrogant cocky guys is always entertaining, but on the other, Jason! Bizarro looks between them both for a moment until Jason! wins out. 

“Wait! Bizarro, right? Tell Jason to stay.” Nightwing directs at Bizarro, who scrunches his entire face up in distaste. Jason takes his dog owning duties seriously, and getting between him and a walk tends to end badly for the poor unfortunate soul that tries it.

“Hey you, don’t talk to me or my clone son until you beat Artemis.” Jason calls out over his shoulder.

“Red Him, am Bizarro good clone son?” Bizarro wants to be a good clone son, even though he’s not sure how to go about being one. Jason tries to help him as much as he can, and Bizarro thinks Jason is probably the very best clone dad. He has very vague memories of a clone mom, but she was nothing like Artemis. Maybe Artemis is a clone sister? Yes, Bizarro likes that. Clone sister. He’ll have to try to remember to tell her that later.

“Dude, you are the very best clone son, and I will fight anyone who says different.” Bizarro can’t help but beam at that, feeling all warm and happy and full and satisfied like he’s been suffused in the powerful strength of the sun’s rays at sunrise in the upper atmosphere.

Jason grabs Fenris’ harness as he passes it in the hallway and it’s long enough for Bizarro to pick up Pup-pup from his room and store him in his chest pocket of his dungarees as they head out to the dog park. 

Once they get there, Jason lets Fenris out of his harness and flops down onto a nearby bench, lost in thought while Fenris applies himself to the very important business of rolling about in the grass, running about and sniffing, and generally being a dog doing important doggy things in a dog park. Bizarro finds a good stick and plays fetch with Fenris, having a great time until Pup-pup falls out of his pocket. That means it’s time to sit on the bench next to Jason and let Fenris do some more free-style running, something that Fenris is very good at in Bizarro’s opinion. Bizarro rescues Pup-pup from the nefarious clutches of the grass and carefully wipes him clean of any bugs before putting back in his chest pocket.

Jason looks like he hasn’t moved since he sat down, which is a habit Bizarro has noticed he does when he’s really thinking about something or planning how to take down bad guys. It also means that Bizarro’s going to have to be the one to start the conversation. Bizarro hates starting conversations. Jason’s good at talking so Bizarro usually doesn’t have to. 

“Red Him, who am Blue Him?” There, get the big question out of the way so that he can ask all the little ones about Jason’s mood this morning. 

“Oh, right, you weren’t out of bed when Grayson arrived.” Jason sighs. “He was Batman’s first sidekick. Kinda sorta maybe my older brother. It’s a bit complicated. We weren’t all that close to begin with. He was living in New York while I was in Gotham. I didn’t see him all that much, but after a while I always looked forward to his visits. We got on pretty well towards the end, but then I died, and so that was that.” Jason stares up at the sky, a light dusting of pink spreading across his cheekbones. It’s very faint, and Bizarro thinks that a normal human might not be able to see it.

“Then Red Him am get better! Red Him and Blue Him am not close now?” Bizarro thinks that Jason needs more people around him. Maybe Nightwing could be a new one. He stores that thought for later. It might fit nicely into his plans to keep Jason happy. From the corner of his eye he sees Fenris on his back wiggling happily in the grass. It makes Bizarro want to let Pup-pup wiggle with him on the grass, but he’s got to listen to Jason right now.

“Well, I was fighting Batman, and then Grayson was Batman so we were kinda fighting. And then Grayson pretended he was dead for a while. And now he’s back. And checking up on me like he’s got _any_ right to do that. I don’t know, buddy; like I said it’s complicated.” Jason rubs a hand across his face, looking stressed. Bizarro gets the feeling that Jason is leaving out a lot, and it seems like Nightwing is the cause of most of his stress this morning.

“Red Him am not want Blue Him around?” If Jason doesn’t want Nightwing around, then even if he wins against Artemis, although Bizarro is sure he’s not going to, then Bizarro will make sure Nightwing won’t be around.

“Yanno, I’m not even sure? I mean I do want him around, but I’m still pretty pissed at him. I don’t even know why he wants to see me.” Jason’s face is all scrunched up in thought. “I can’t help but wonder why Dick is _fighting_ to see me, after all this time.”

“It am nice to be fought for. Me am know that Red Him and Red Her am always fight for Bizarro.” He points out. “Me am always fight for Red Him and Red Her too. We am team. Team am fight for each other.” Jason gives that shy little smile that means he’s reassured and happy at the same time. Bizarro said something good and in the way he meant to for once. Bizarro beams back at Jason.

“Well, I can’t argue with that, buddy.” Bizarro watches some of the tension seep out of Jason’s shoulders and he looks over to Fenris, who’s sniffing at a tree on the far side of the park. “It’s just weird that he’s seeking me out, I guess. Usually I have to track him down. Doesn’t really make a guy feel wanted. Not that I want him to want me! I mean yeah, ok, he’s stupidly pretty and incredibly bendy, and who hasn’t thought about that at least once! That doesn’t mean anything, right? _Right_?” Jason throws a slightly nervy look at Bizarro and Bizarro blinks back at him. Does that mean anything? Bizarro doesn’t know. Humans are strange at the best of times, and Bizarro’s not really all that old yet. Bizarro thinks this must be an ‘adult thing’ and Bizarro finds those boring. Bizarro prefers painting or knitting or playing fetch with Fenris or flying high with Pup-pup while Jason and Artemis are sleeping soundly. 

“It not mean anything, Red Him.” Bizarro’s not sure if that’s true, given the way Jason’s blushing, but Jason settles once he says it, so whether it was or not doesn’t really matter. 

“Thanks, Bizarro.” Jason says, tilting his head back and closing his eyes to enjoy the sunshine on his face as the sun peeks out behind a cloud, bathing the entire park in its warm rays. 

Fenris seems to have had enough of rolling about in the grass, running and smelling everything and he wanders back over to Bizarro and Jason. He stops just short of getting off the grass and does his business, leaving the mess where it is and comes over to sit next to Jason. Because Jason is a good dog owner, he goes over and cleans up the mess, pulling a little bag out of his pocket and scooping it up with it. All the while complaining, because Jason loves to complain almost as much as he loves chilli dogs and blowing things up. He drops the bag in the nearby dog bin and whistles at Fenris to call him over to him, clipping him back into his harness ready for the walk back to the safehouse. 

***

Jason and Bizarro return to the safehouse and Bizarro can hear that Nightwing is, unsurprisingly, losing to Artemis. While Fenris has a well-earned drink in the kitchen, they sit in the living room, first aid box sitting ready to be used on the coffee table, and Bizarro carefully places Pup-pup on the arm of the couch. Jason can’t hear them speak from the living room, even though he can see that Artemis has Dick pinned down, the angle isn’t good enough to read their lips. He asks Bizarro to tell him what they’re saying.

(“Why do you keep fighting?” Artemis says, her tone bored and not the slightest bit winded. Her voice is at odds with her body language, however. It’s clear to Bizarro that she’s very interested in the answer.

“I messed up with Jason so many times already. I wasn’t there for him when I should have been, and then I pretended I was dead, and I just want the chance to make things right this time. I’ve got a second chance; I’m not going to waste it.” Dick pants out. “I’m going to keep fighting until you give. Because that’s what Jason deserves.”

“Hmm. Perhaps you’re not totally worthless, little blue.” Artemis says as she releases him from the pin.)

Bizarro grins, turning to Jason and saying nothing.

“Oh you’re gonna be like that, huh, buddy? Nice.” Jason grumbles, sipping at his cup of tea, but not actually minding, given that the corner of his lips are upturned too. Fenris pads into the living room, bottle of water in mouth and drops it into Bizarro’s lap and gets a careful gentle patting in return. A few minutes pass in companionable silence that’s only broken by the sounds of Nightwing and Artemis wrestling until there’s a heavy thud that accompanies Nightwing being slammed gently, by Artemis’ standards anyway, into the ground and a groan that signifies that Artemis has won. 

Artemis stalks in and sits regally in her chair, the smugness sparkling around her in little golden flickers. Dick staggers in after her and collapses into the nearest chair he can find. He’s got a black eye, a split lip, and his mask is in one hand, snapped in two. He’s going to have far more bruises on him later, but only his face is visible right now. Jason nudges the first aid box closer to him with a foot, smirking. Dick pulls out one of the cold presses and holds it to his eye, while his tongue prods at his split lip. 

Fenris does his thing and goes to the kitchen to open the refrigerator to get a bottle for Artemis. He comes back in and presents it to her, sitting down in front of her and waiting for her approval.

“Thank you, beast.” Artemis says, amused. She’s less so once she looks at the label and realises that it’s Root Beer and not alcohol, but it’s too late now. Fenris returns to the kitchen and the refrigerator door once again opens and closes, and seconds later he returns to the living room with a bottle of water that he drops into Dick’s lap and sits down to study him.

“You named your dog Beast? I feel like I should make a beauty joke... and he brought me a drink.” Dick stares at the bottle of water in his lap, having not expected that Jason could have a dog for a butler.

“Yeah, he does that. You get used to it. And his name is Fenris, not that anyone else calls him that.” Jason sighs, as if having nicknames is something to be endured.

“Not Sparky am called Not Sparky! Me am tell Red Him, many times. Up, Not Sparky! Up.” Bizarro pats the couch in between him and Jason. Fenris jumps up from his spot in front of Dick, settling happily in the space, letting his head rest in Jason’s lap.

“I... I’m sorry, Jason. I lost. I guess I should head out. Do you have spare mask I can borrow?” Dick says, quietly, trying to be as graceful in defeat as he is swinging around Gotham. 

“What are you talking about, little blue? It took you long enough, but that’s about the level I expect from the training you’ve had. Your fighting skills are adequate enough. Not that that’s why you passed.” Artemis leans back in her chair, taking a drink and grimacing at the taste. Bizarro makes a note not to buy Root Beer next time. He might be sneakily trying to reduce her alcohol intake, but he wants to replace it with something she likes as much.

“Damn, Artemis. He did that well? You should be flattered, Grayson. That’s high praise coming from her.” Jason whistles, impressed that Artemis would be so accepting. There’s a flicker of unease underneath it, though, that Bizarro doesn’t like. Is Jason still worried about being replaced? That’s not a happy thought.

“I lost the fight, how could I pass?” Dick frowns and winces as it pulls on his black eye, reapplying the cold press carefully.

“If you don’t know, I’m not telling you.” Artemis raises an eyebrow, Bizarro also thinks it’s obvious, the trial was for kinship, his reason for not giving up was what let him pass, not how many punches he can take. 

“I am so confused right now. But that might be the head trauma speaking.” Dick says, slumping back into his seat with the beginnings of a pout on his face.

“Blue Him am part of the team now! Welcome Blue Him.” Bizarro says, taking out his knitting and starting a new row. Dick eyes him, focusing on how tiny the knitting needles look in Bizarro’s hands. Jason snorts at Dick’s perplexed face.

“Uh, thanks, Bizarro. I didn’t know you could knit?” Dick watches as Bizarro uses his super-speed to knit several rows in a few seconds. It’s always fun to see people’s faces when he does that in public. 

“He’s pretty good at it, made that doily thing on the coffee table.” Jason brags. “Right, I’m gonna make lunch. What do you guys want?” he looks around, waiting for requests. 

“Me am want pizza.” Bizarro announces. Bizarro likes pizza. There are just so many toppings to try! How can anyone not want pizza?

“Thai.” Artemis chimes in, finishing her drink and setting down the empty bottle with a thump.

“I don’t mind.” Dick adds, trying to be considerate since Jason’s been giving him the brush off since he arrived. Not pushing seems like the best course of action.

“...yeah, ok, so I’m gonna make okonomiyaki. Grayson, you stay out of my kitchen till I’m done. I mean it!” Jason declares. Bizarro would have liked pizza, but okonomiyaki is great too. He likes the crunch of the cabbage.

Dick looks sad, staring at the ground like he thinks Jason doesn’t actually want him there. Bizarro knows that’s not true, so it’s going to be easy to cheer him up.

“Red Him am happy Blue Him here. Red Him am shy. Red Him am only cook for people Red Him am like. Blue Him am part of team, now. Bizarro am happy Blue Him here too.” Bizarro leans over and whispers not that quietly to him. Fenris squirms out from under Bizarro and clambers into Dick’s lap, trapping him in place with a little whumpf noise.

“Little one, we are going to watch a film. I am picking it. There will be no complaining.” Artemis yells out to Jason. There’s an answering groan from the kitchen, but no other response from Jason. By the time he comes back in with four plates of deliciously fragrant food set down on the table, Artemis has a movie queued up and ready to play.

“Ok, I’m braced. What terrible crime against combat are we watching?” Jason says, sitting back with his plate and picking up a mouthful with his chopsticks.

“Come Drink With Me with Cheng Pei Pei and Yueh Hua. I have heard it has excellent fight scenes.” Artemis’ face is blank, but Bizarro can see that she’s waiting for Jason’s reaction. He usually tries to convince Artemis to watch a kung-fu film with decent action scenes instead of the truly terrible action movies she picks to rant about the terrible fight choreography. Usually Jason fails miserably. 

“Wait, hang on, we’re watching Wuxia? What is going on, why is everyone being nice to me today? It’s not even my birthday!” Jason stares at all of them, trying not to be weirded out by the three smiles he’s seeing.

“Red Him am shush and eat and watch ladies am kicking ass.” One day, Bizarro knows, Jason will be used to having nice things, but for now he’ll bask in the happy glow Jason would deny he’s giving off.


End file.
